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A Better Way to Talk About ADHD

by | Oct 25, 2024

Woman shouting about ADHD?

We don’t need to shout about ADHD to be heard.

Hear me out.

I was talking with the women in my book discussion group and we got on the topic of coming out about ADHD. I write about this in my book because it is a major topic of discussion for women diagnosed later-in-life.

For the most part the women I know fall into two broad categories (though there is some variation in between):

  • I want to shout about ADHD from the rooftops; or
  • It will be my most closely guarded secret and nobody can know

The women who fall into the first category usually want to tell everyone in their lives about the diagnosis as a means of forging closer connections. The desire to feel heard and validated is overwhelming sometimes.

Unfortunately, when revealing ADHD they almost always report that the conversation didn’t feel the way they hoped. Or potentially it made them feel worse.

For example, I’ve heard many stories about people changing the subject, or invalidating the diagnosis, or whatever. I’ve even heard stories about the information being used against them in resurrecting old family conflicts.

I have a theory about why this happens.

You ready for it?….

People are more likely to reject the ADHD talk when we give them too much information all at once.

Everything Everywhere All At Once---a metaphor for talking about ADHD?

When we start to tell our ADHD story people might feel like they’re watching Everything Everywhere All At Once. But not in a good way.

 

Think about it—

We launch into a definition of ADHD, followed by a list of our symptoms.

We use big words like, “executive function” that we learned from our doctor.

We tell multiple interwoven stories and give examples.

**Sometimes** we ask for changes/support needs to be met.

It’s a lot to take in over Sunday dinner, you know?

 

We want to feel seen, heard, and understood. We want them to CARE.

 

We want so badly for the person to say, “ I believe you” so we keep talking, filling the silence, until somebody interrupts or changes the subject.

That is when we shrink into ourselves.

When we withdraw and feel unsafe.

When we stop communicating or asking for what we need.

This is also when people come at us with questions or comments we are not prepared to respond to.

 

I have some ideas that are simple but not easy:

 

  1. We stop over-explaining ourselves.

When we over-explain we open ourselves up to more criticism and questioning.

  1. We don’t use ADHD to qualify our needs/challenges.

It is entirely possible to state your preferences/needs without saying “because I have ADHD.”

Ex. “I prefer being with 1-2 people to large gatherings with strangers.”

  1. We are discerning about with whom and when we use ADHD lingo.

You do not need to reveal your diagnosis to everyone in your life immediately. Some people will be naturally curious, some will not. You have to introduce the topic in small doses.

 

What would that look like?

Thoughts?